If you really want to deepen and grow your relationship life, take a look at the person in the mirror, pour fertilizer on yourself, and grow.

That’s right. Changing yourself is the fast track to relational depth.

Of course, I’m not talking about getting a new wardrobe or haircut. I’m talking about changing your internal world, the part that no one can see.

If I want more depth out there, I have to go deeper in here.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and doing a great job of hiding it. I dated a lot of women, but felt unsatisfied in every relationship. I wanted something more yet I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that I wanted. Looking back, I was longing for true love, a deep intimate relationship where I felt met, seen, and alive.

Because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, let alone know what it was that I wanted, I blamed each of the women I dated and made my dissatisfaction their fault. I genuinely believed that I would feel better if only “she” would be different. 

So, with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point.

My pain was so substantial and my desire for different results was so strong that I was ready to finally ask, “What if I’m the problem?” After all, I was the one common denominator in every relationship I had.

This is when everything shifted.

Once I asked the above question I could then make this statement:  "I am willing to do whatever it takes to get different results."

The problem was no longer “out there.” It was “in here” and that I had the power to do something about. Damn!

This was a huge turning point in my life, which catapulted me on to a spiritual path that continues today.

Once I had the humility to ask the question “what if I’m the problem?” my relationship life began to shift slowly.

As I changed, I attracted new people. People that wanted to be authentic and real. People who were willing to talk about the hard stuff in life and not hide it. People willing to go to therapy and ask for help when they were stuck in the weeds. People willing to lead with their vulnerability. Wow. I began to meet women and men that could go deeper in relationship because I was going deeper in myself.  All of the sudden, my relationships began to nourish me.

It took serious pain, serious longing, and a simple question directed inward, to change my relationship life.

And today, every time I find myself wanting to change my partner, I slow down and take a look at the man in the mirror.

Because change starts with me.

by Jayson Gaddis

Note: If you're having trouble viewing the video, click here.

Playing for Change: Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay

~ Comments Closed ~

When it comes to change, there are a ton of long-held perspectives that have infiltrated our collective psyches. Here’s what immediately pops for me:

Change is bad.
Change is good.
Change is scary.
Change is essential.
Change is inevitable.

I got curious about how others feel about change, so I decided to crowdsource this topic and asked my Twitter and Facebook network:

Please fill in the blank: Change is ___________.

And boy, did crowd-sourcing get crowded. People showed up:

Change is growth.
Change is a new beginning.
Change is an opportunity
Change is constant. As in, nothing is constant by change
Change is hard when you want it and even harder when you don't.
Change is obliviously necessary.
Change is a rolling sea of self-discovery.
Change is the only sure thing.
Change is fun!!!
Change is the nervous, scary, thrilling, hell YES! swirly feeling in your stomach.
Change is the nature of reality.
Change is the one thing we all want. Even though we pretend we don't.
Change is never as scary as the story made up in our heads says it is.
Change is healing.
Change is constant, scary and liberating.
Change stop in your tracks if you let or it can fly you forward if you jump on and hang on.
Change is creation at work.
Change is the E-ticket ride of life.
Change challenges us to become someone we were waiting to be!
Change is inevitable and can't happen too quickly.
Change is up to me.
Change is good. Even if it comes kicking and screaming.
Change is necessary for growth and survival.
Change is certain, whether you are ready or not.
Change is welcome.
Change is inevitable.
Change is freeing!


To every last statement.

At various points along the path of change, some answers feel more relevant than others…

…but with each answer, I felt truth resonate.

(Psssst…Here’s a litmus test to reveal your own perspective on change.  Notice your reactions when you read the words: “Change of plans.” Or: “time for a change”. How do you feel? Excited? Annoyed? Frustrated? Fearful?)

Change is…Different. And So Your Responses Will Be Different, Too.

When I think about change, I notice that there are two TYPES of change:

1) Change that is thrust upon us.
2) Change we choose (a.k.a. change we thrust upon ourselves).

Circumstantial change can be complicated in how it manifests and yet simple in how we must approach it: adapt or die.

Your partner loses their job. There’s an unexpected pregnancy. You’re asked to relocate.

At our worst, we kick, scream, deny and avoid. At our best, we recognize the opportunity (after we’ve kicked and screamed and denied and avoided). And then we proceed. Evolving as we go.

But choosing to make a change?

Ahhhh. THIS is where the honey is at.

By and large, most respondents to my less-than-scientific-experiment suggested that this kind of change is essential.

We know it. We know we’ve been making excuses our whole lives: for our disconnection, for our weight, for our smoking, for our poor diet, for our unfulfilling career.

Then something happens. It could be an event, or we hit a wall, or we just get tired. In that moment, we decide to stop making excuses and start making changes.

And that moment is exhilarating…

…and scary as hell.

Immediately, our now-wide-awake inner voices (critics, gremlins, saboteurs…whatever you call them) start frantically screaming: “NO NO NO!!!! Don’t change! Stay safe! Keep your head down. WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOTHING!!!!”

Given the visceral knee-jerk reaction, it’s a wonder we persevere. And yet we do.

Persevere. Change. Plan. Shine.

Here’s how to make a change. Any change. On your terms.

  1. Get clear about WHY you want to make the change. What’s the ultimate goal and how will you FEEL? What will this change give you?
  2. Set your “start” and “by when” dates. And don’t allow yourself to get freaked out about either date. They can’t hurt you…I promise.
  3. Know your triggers and plan for work-arounds. And if you DON’T know your triggers, spend some time documenting them before your start date. (What was going on before you reached for the Chips Ahoy, cigarette, or remote control?)
  4. Decide how you’ll measure your progress. Is Excel your friend or foe? A whiteboard checklist? A notepad that goes everywhere you go?
  5. Ready your support systems (accountability partnerships work wonders).
  6. Commit fully to your start date. Do this as publicly as you are willing to. (Maybe even more so).
  7. Check in truthfully with yourself as you log your progress. Also take time to feel into what’s going on with you. Where’s the resistance? What are you resisting (for real?) How can this be more fun (yup, I went there)?
  8. Expect homeostasis and be ready for it. Know it’s a good sign (it will set in when you’re partway through the change when the old is undone and the new is not yet embedded). You’re mostly there, Rock Star!
  9. Lean into your support. They said “yes” because they want you to succeed.
  10. Celebrate every win. Daily.
  11. Count on slipping and know how you are with that. Learn from it, recalibrate and have another go. You must. You’re counting on you.

And while you're doing all of that, remember this, Sunshine: you can make changes or you can make excuses. Your choice.

Blaze on.

by Tanya Geisler

Are you afraid of change? If you found out you had stage 1 cancer would you do something about it? Most people don't want to go through chemotherapy and take tons of drugs. If you catch cancer soon enough then one can cure it through food. It's been done over and over again. When something dramatic happens to human beings they do something. They make a change.

When an overweight individual finds out that they are pre-diabetic or already diabetic they are more likely to change their habits. So many of us think it's near impossible to make a change but when reality hits us, all of a sudden change becomes easy.

If someone told you that you were going to die in 1 year if you did not change your poor lifestyle habits starting today then what would you do? Would you educate yourself? Would you begin to play more? Would you laugh more? Would you eat less junk food? Maybe some of us should think this way. Most of us need a change but most of us won't change unless we have a desperate reason to.

I used to be afraid of change. I still am somewhat but am getting better and better every single day. There are no tricks. You just have to take action. To kick a habit you have to replace it with another habit. If you have a poor habit of drinking pop everyday then start to drink more water. Add a few splashes of lemon or lime juice if you want for some zesty flavor.

What is one change that could save billions of lives?

Ditching wheat. I would love to go even further and encourage you to ditch all grains but I think an easier and more appealing approach is to ditch wheat. I am not going to write a 1500 word essay on why you should ditch wheat. I am not a nutritionist, or anything close to it. I am a normal guy whose mission is to save millions of lives. Taking this one step, making this one change of ditching wheat, may save your life.

It's not difficult. You have a habit of eating wheat on a daily basis. You must replace those calories with something else. I recommend you eat more meat and vegetables. If you are skeptical of this recommendation then why not try it out? Why not go 30 to 60 days without eating a single gram of wheat. Replace those calories with meat and veggies. Record how you look, feel and perform and be honest with yourself.

You may not want to give up bread, cereal, pasta and pizza but would you rather be a happy, healthy, vibrant human being or eat wheat? If you currently eat wheat then you may think this choice sucks but I am here to tell you that the world opens up to you when you go wheat (or completely grain) free. You discover more vegetables. Your relationship with food improves. It becomes an enjoyment. A time to be grateful for everything that you have. You begin to go to the farmers market to buy local produce and meat and even grow a plant or two of your own.

Ditching wheat is a major change. It's a simple change to your dietary habits that will significantly change you. You will feel better. If your bloated today then that sick feeling will more than likely go away within 30 days. If you are constipated then that will go away. Your energy levels will soar. If you have an autoimmune condition then that will improve. You will lose fat.

You will feel alive again.

I don't eat any grains. Please understand that this is a general statement. I won't be avoiding grains 100% of the time for the rest of my life. When eating out at an Italian restaurant I sometimes eat a piece or 2 of white bread dipped in olive oil. If I eat more than a bite or 2 then I regret it. I ate cake at a wedding I went to back in May. I'll eat white rice here and there, when it's free. Think Chipotle and Moe's burrito bowls. I love sushi too and don't mind the rice in sushi rolls.

However, at least 95%, probably closer to 99% of my caloric intake is grain free. I went primal, as I like to call it, on April 5, 2010. It was by far the best decision I have made in my entire life. Food is the main focus because it's, well, food. But it's more about going back to the beginning while still living in the modern world. Play more, sleep more, rest more, workout less, move more, eat more meat and vegetables, eat less junk.

If you want to take one step today towards a happier, healthier, more vibrant you, then do one thing: ditch wheat. Do what you feel is best for you, but take a close look at your life. Ask yourself how you feel at this very moment. More than likely, ditching wheat will be a simple, yet major step towards a new you. Are you ready?

If you are confused and want to learn more about the problems of wheat then consider reading Wheat Belly. It's the newest book on on this subject and is beyond enlightening.

Do you still eat wheat? Why or why not? If you have ditched it then please leave a comment with your story. Let readers know what ditching wheat has done to you. You could quite possibly save someones life!

by Todd Dosenberry

A Change in the Economy: A Threat or an Opportunity?

by Paula Pant

Both my dad and my good friend Kara (not her real name) saw huge changes in their bank accounts in the past few years. Their home prices sank. Their investments were cut in half.  Their businesses teetered on the verge of collapse. And it’s during this time of tremendous change – these tough times – […]

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Lessons from Halloween Costumes: Trying On Change

by Jason Kotecki

My favorite childhood Halloween costume may have been the Spiderman one. Granted, it was nowhere near as cool as the versions kids have the privilege of wearing today, what with the form-fitting spandex, built-in muscles and mask that covers the whole head. (In my dreams!) Mine was made of the loose-flowing, ill-fitting cheap plastic that […]

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How to Embrace Change in the Face of Great Pain

by Stacey Curnow

Are you willing to embrace change in the face of great pain? Receiving the messages in pain – whether that pain is physical or spiritual — is one of life’s greatest challenges, and running away from it is one of life’s greatest temptations. Stay open, and you will receive exactly the insights you need to […]

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How To Deal Effectively With Change

by John Spence

Right now many of us are faced with massive amounts of change in our careers. Layoffs, downsizing, off-shoring, reductions, budget cuts… It can be overwhelming. Although there are many factors that go into dealing well with change, I’d like to focus on two specific issues that I feel have the biggest impact in a person’s […]

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Yielding To Change

by Jen Slayden

Recently there was a street makeover in my town where 5th street loops around to Madison Ave. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about the streets in New York City, where change is trendy. I’m talking about small-town Montana, where change freaks people out way more than a bear in their backyard! The road used […]

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Comfort Zones, Yoga, and Change

by Lance Ekum

photo credit: Joel Olives “How does one become a butterfly?” she asked. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” ~ Anonymous Comfort Zones Mmmm…that big cushy sofa in your living room.  The bed you’ve had for ten years.  The same family vacation spot you’ve visited […]

41 comments Read the full article →