Maybe there’s another way…

If you really want to deepen and grow your rela­tion­ship life, take a look at the per­son in the mir­ror, pour fer­til­izer on your­self, and grow.

That’s right. Chang­ing your­self is the fast track to rela­tional depth.

Of course, I’m not talk­ing about get­ting a new wardrobe or hair­cut. I’m talk­ing about chang­ing your inter­nal world, the part that no one can see.

If I want more depth out there, I have to go deeper in here.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and doing a great job of hid­ing it. I dated a lot of women, but felt unsat­is­fied in every rela­tion­ship. I wanted some­thing more yet I couldn’t put my fin­ger on what it was that I wanted. Look­ing back, I was long­ing for true love, a deep inti­mate rela­tion­ship where I felt met, seen, and alive.

Because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, let alone know what it was that I wanted, I blamed each of the women I dated and made my dis­sat­is­fac­tion their fault. I gen­uinely believed that I would feel bet­ter if only “she” would be different. 

So, with ten or more years of lim­ited results and unful­filled rela­tion­ships, I hit a tip­ping point.

My pain was so sub­stan­tial and my desire for dif­fer­ent results was so strong that I was ready to finally ask, “What if I’m the prob­lem?” After all, I was the one com­mon denom­i­na­tor in every rela­tion­ship I had.

This is when every­thing shifted.

Once I asked the above ques­tion I could then make this state­ment:  “I am will­ing to do what­ever it takes to get dif­fer­ent results.”

The prob­lem was no longer “out there.” It was “in here” and that I had the power to do some­thing about. Damn!

This was a huge turn­ing point in my life, which cat­a­pulted me on to a spir­i­tual path that con­tin­ues today.

Once I had the humil­ity to ask the ques­tion “what if I’m the prob­lem?” my rela­tion­ship life began to shift slowly.

As I changed, I attracted new peo­ple. Peo­ple that wanted to be authen­tic and real. Peo­ple who were will­ing to talk about the hard stuff in life and not hide it. Peo­ple will­ing to go to ther­apy and ask for help when they were stuck in the weeds. Peo­ple will­ing to lead with their vul­ner­a­bil­ity. Wow. I began to meet women and men that could go deeper in rela­tion­ship because I was going deeper in myself.  All of the sud­den, my rela­tion­ships began to nour­ish me.

It took seri­ous pain, seri­ous long­ing, and a sim­ple ques­tion directed inward, to change my rela­tion­ship life.

And today, every time I find myself want­ing to change my part­ner, I slow down and take a look at the man in the mirror.

Because change starts with me.

by Jayson Gad­dis

My wed­ding anniver­sary was last week.

10 years ago I said I’d never get married.

I also said I’d never have kids.

Now I’m mar­ried with kids and it’s the most bril­liant ride I’ve been on thus far.

And, any­one with a spouse and two kids under 2.5 knows, it’s a lot. I mean, a lot. Life has turned up the heat and I’m ripen­ing in the most help­ful of ways.

The more I resist the heat, the more painful my life is. The more I sur­ren­der to the heat and what is occur­ring, the more I enjoy the ride.

The Fall Equinox just hap­pened and this past week­end was my wed­ding anniversary.

The Autum­nal equinox is a time of tran­si­tion where light and dark are bal­anced. Dark­ness is now slowly over­tak­ing the light as we move toward winter.

The equinox always asks me to pay close atten­tion to my life. It is a won­der­ful time to focus on bal­ance and to reap what I’ve sewn from the summer.

What am I har­vest­ing right now?

And since I’m all about love these days, what am I har­vest­ing rela­tion­ally. How are my inti­mate relationships?

My rela­tion­ships help me see how much joy or pain I am expe­ri­enc­ing in life. By using other peo­ple, mainly my wife and kids, I can begin to see where I am open­ing and clos­ing down to love.

If I want to expe­ri­ence more love, I eval­u­ate my relationships.

Four years ago my wife and I mar­ried our­selves in the Utah desert. This past Sun­day we had our baby sit­ter watch our kids while we walked to the park hand in hand (This kind of date is a rare moment for us sleep-deprived new parents).

Our inten­tion was to review and update our wed­ding vows.  To “check in” with where we are as a partnership.

So, under the shade of a giant maple tree we pulled out our jour­nals from that time and took turns read­ing our vows and commitments.

We gazed at each other as we read each one and reflected upon it. As our eyes met, they welled with tears of love and grat­i­tude. The depth of our con­nec­tion was right there, puls­ing and vibrant.

We noticed how true each vow still was and how “on” we were with each back then. Each vow was a bold, yet vul­ner­a­ble state­ment about con­nec­tion to self and other.  We didn’t add any new ones as our orig­i­nal vows are still hit­ting the mark.

My heart kept open­ing wide as I gazed into her eyes. I felt so awake and clear. I felt my deep love for her and we smiled and cried.  We laughed at the insan­ity of rais­ing two amaz­ing kids and the relent­less­ness of our lives.

A sim­ple yet pro­found con­nec­tion in a short win­dow of time.

We walked back home to baths and bed­time sto­ries with our children.

So ask your­self, how can I har­vest more love using my close rela­tion­ships?

Here are a few ideas…

1. Take inven­tory of your clos­est rela­tion­ships. Reflect on “what is so” about each one. Notice which are nour­ish­ing and which are deplet­ing.
    
2. Make a list of peo­ple who you want to move closer to (friends, fam­ily, co-workers etc)
    
3. Now pick only one.
    
4. Ask your­self if you want more close­ness and con­nec­tion to this per­son. If yes, move on to step 5.
    
5. Do a rela­tion­ship review with these friends. This can help you deter­mine what’s been in the way and if the other per­son also wants to move closer. Are they a per­son that is worth the poten­tial invest­ment? Prac­tice hon­est truth telling and trust they can take care of them­selves. You don’t need to pro­tect them from their feel­ings. If it’s your spouse, per­haps it can be a time to review your wed­ding vows or com­mit­ment to each other.
    
6. Notice if you are mak­ing your desire to move closer depen­dent on the other per­son chang­ing and instead, con­sider work­ing with the prac­tice of accep­tance. Check in with your real motives. Am I try­ing to change them so that I can feel less agi­tated? Or am I will­ing to stay on my side and work with what­ever my agi­ta­tion is about in me?
    
7. How was this process? Share your expe­ri­ence with each other. Let them know what it was like and what you learned about your­self.
    
8. Pick a new per­son and share this process with them as an exam­ple of how you want to move closer to them too.

In a way, my wife and I are start­ing this autumn anew, freshly con­nected, and actively engaged in our part­ner­ship. We are har­vest­ing the love big time.

I’m using my fam­ily to prac­tice accept­ing more and open­ing to more and more love. When I treat my rela­tion­ships as “prac­tice” in this way, it takes me out of a vic­tim stance rela­tion­ally and into a place of aware­ness, choice, and strength.

Decide what you want to har­vest and with whom. Then, dive in and practice.

by Jayson Gad­dis