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Harvesting Love

My wed­ding anniver­sary was last week.

10 years ago I said I’d never get married.

I also said I’d never have kids.

Now I’m mar­ried with kids and it’s the most bril­liant ride I’ve been on thus far.

And, any­one with a spouse and two kids under 2.5 knows, it’s a lot. I mean, a lot. Life has turned up the heat and I’m ripen­ing in the most help­ful of ways.

The more I resist the heat, the more painful my life is. The more I sur­ren­der to the heat and what is occur­ring, the more I enjoy the ride.

The Fall Equinox just hap­pened and this past week­end was my wed­ding anniversary.

The Autum­nal equinox is a time of tran­si­tion where light and dark are bal­anced. Dark­ness is now slowly over­tak­ing the light as we move toward winter.

The equinox always asks me to pay close atten­tion to my life. It is a won­der­ful time to focus on bal­ance and to reap what I’ve sewn from the summer.

What am I har­vest­ing right now?

And since I’m all about love these days, what am I har­vest­ing rela­tion­ally. How are my inti­mate relationships?

My rela­tion­ships help me see how much joy or pain I am expe­ri­enc­ing in life. By using other peo­ple, mainly my wife and kids, I can begin to see where I am open­ing and clos­ing down to love.

If I want to expe­ri­ence more love, I eval­u­ate my relationships.

Four years ago my wife and I mar­ried our­selves in the Utah desert. This past Sun­day we had our baby sit­ter watch our kids while we walked to the park hand in hand (This kind of date is a rare moment for us sleep-deprived new parents).

Our inten­tion was to review and update our wed­ding vows.  To “check in” with where we are as a partnership.

So, under the shade of a giant maple tree we pulled out our jour­nals from that time and took turns read­ing our vows and commitments.

We gazed at each other as we read each one and reflected upon it. As our eyes met, they welled with tears of love and grat­i­tude. The depth of our con­nec­tion was right there, puls­ing and vibrant.

We noticed how true each vow still was and how “on” we were with each back then. Each vow was a bold, yet vul­ner­a­ble state­ment about con­nec­tion to self and other.  We didn’t add any new ones as our orig­i­nal vows are still hit­ting the mark.

My heart kept open­ing wide as I gazed into her eyes. I felt so awake and clear. I felt my deep love for her and we smiled and cried.  We laughed at the insan­ity of rais­ing two amaz­ing kids and the relent­less­ness of our lives.

A sim­ple yet pro­found con­nec­tion in a short win­dow of time.

We walked back home to baths and bed­time sto­ries with our children.

So ask your­self, how can I har­vest more love using my close rela­tion­ships?

Here are a few ideas…

  1. Take inven­tory of your clos­est rela­tion­ships. Reflect on “what is so” about each one. Notice which are nour­ish­ing and which are deplet­ing.
     
  2. Make a list of peo­ple who you want to move closer to (friends, fam­ily, co-workers etc)
     
  3. Now pick only one.
     
  4. Ask your­self if you want more close­ness and con­nec­tion to this per­son. If yes, move on to step 5.
     
  5. Do a rela­tion­ship review with these friends. This can help you deter­mine what’s been in the way and if the other per­son also wants to move closer. Are they a per­son that is worth the poten­tial invest­ment? Prac­tice hon­est truth telling and trust they can take care of them­selves. You don’t need to pro­tect them from their feel­ings. If it’s your spouse, per­haps it can be a time to review your wed­ding vows or com­mit­ment to each other.
     
  6. Notice if you are mak­ing your desire to move closer depen­dent on the other per­son chang­ing and instead, con­sider work­ing with the prac­tice of accep­tance. Check in with your real motives. Am I try­ing to change them so that I can feel less agi­tated? Or am I will­ing to stay on my side and work with what­ever my agi­ta­tion is about in me?
     
  7. How was this process? Share your expe­ri­ence with each other. Let them know what it was like and what you learned about your­self.
     
  8. Pick a new per­son and share this process with them as an exam­ple of how you want to move closer to them too.

In a way, my wife and I are start­ing this autumn anew, freshly con­nected, and actively engaged in our part­ner­ship. We are har­vest­ing the love big time.

I’m using my fam­ily to prac­tice accept­ing more and open­ing to more and more love. When I treat my rela­tion­ships as “prac­tice” in this way, it takes me out of a vic­tim stance rela­tion­ally and into a place of aware­ness, choice, and strength.

Decide what you want to har­vest and with whom. Then, dive in and practice.

by Jayson Gad­dis

Jayson Gad­dis, MA, LPC, CGT is a rela­tion­ship psy­chother­a­pist devoted to help­ing peo­ple awaken through rela­tion­ship and inti­macy. He’s call­ing in a new par­a­digm of con­nec­tion, deep rela­tion­ship, and fam­ily. Jayson is a hus­band and part-time stay-at-home Dad get­ting schooled by his two kids.
Jayson Gaddis
View all posts by Jayson Gad­dis
Filed Under: Jungle Writers, Relationships

Comments

  1. Tess The Bold Life says:
    September 28, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Hi,
    This is beau­ti­ful. One thing that goes a long way is kind­ness. We can be harsh with the peo­ple clos­est too us. My ques­tion of the morn­ing is “How can I be kind today?”

    I got mar­ried when I was 17 and preg­nant. Our 40th anniver­sary is in Jan­u­ary. Crazy, eh?

    I’m going to no. 5. I woke up won­der­ing today about a friend­ship and I need to reflect on my part in it.
    Tess The Bold Life´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..The World Dom­i­na­tion Sum­mit: Chris Guille­beau Inter­view # 3My Profile

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  2. Daniel M. Wood says:
    September 28, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Con­grat­u­la­tions on your anniversary!

    I just got mar­ried this sum­mer. It is incred­i­ble the power being a team is. Instead of going after a prob­lem alone you can rely on each other and com­bine your strength.
    Daniel M. Wood´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..How to Cure ProcrastinationMy Profile

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  3. Lynn says:
    September 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    That’s a lovely story. Roman­tic love has kind of eluded me, but I am sur­rounded by love from fam­ily and friends, so it’s all good.
    Lynn´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Cool prop, viceroy and com­fort foodMy Profile

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  4. Andrew Walker says:
    September 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Hi there Jayson.
    Thanks for shar­ing this lovely story with us. It’s really nice! And also, thanks for shar­ing the tips. It’s a very nice list of tips!
    Andrew Walker´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Find Life Insur­ance Coupon CodeMy Profile

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  5. Jayson says:
    September 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Andrew, you’re wel­come. any “tip” in par­tic­u­lar serve you?
    Jayson´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Work­ing with Emo­tions While ParentingMy Profile

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  6. Dolby says:
    September 29, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Hi Jayson, I loved your blurb on The Prac­tice of Love, which lead me here. I am a firm believer in the ‘Never say Never’ clause. Grow­ing up in Los Ange­les, I use to swear I would ‘NEVER’ live in cer­tain places, guess what-I lived in every­one one of them, ugggggggggg. Laffing at myself. Need­less to say, that applied for pretty much any­thing I attached a ‘NEVER’ too.
    The Uni­verse has a way of say­ing, “Uh Huh”, I will show you. It is exactly the law of attrac­tion. Because what you focus on, the Uni­verse doesn’t know if you love it or hate it, it just knows you are focused upon it. I too said, I would ‘NEVER’ have kids, now I have 2 grown sons the sun­shine of my life. Oh well . I love your blog, thanks for com­ing into my life Jayson.

    OM Shanti ~ Dolby
    You are impor­tant.
    Your actions mat­ter.
    Your thoughts cre­ate.
    Your pres­ence changes everything

    Reply
  7. Jayson says:
    September 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Dolby, Love it. Thanks for the share. I know that “never” one too.

    Right now, I seem to be say­ing I don’t want to focus my work on par­ent­ing and life just keeps point­ing me in that direc­tion. will I sur­ren­der? is there any choice at this point? smil­ing back.
    Jayson´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Cre­at­ing a Fight to Get SpaceMy Profile

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  8. Debbie @ Happy Maker says:
    September 29, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Thanks for shar­ing your story Jayson. It is won­der­ful what love can do! It just brings out the best in peo­ple. Love does make the world go around.

    When we get mar­ried that love should just grow deeper as the years go by. I know with my hubby that is what has happened.

    I like the idea of pick­ing one per­son at a time and build­ing or rebuild­ing a rela­tion­ships with them.

    Enjoy those kids, they do grow up quickly.
    bless­ing to you,
    Deb­bie
    Deb­bie @ Happy Maker´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..7 Warn­ing Signs That Tell a Man They Have the Wrong Woman In their Life.My Profile

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  9. Jody - Fit at 53 says:
    September 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Lots to think about here.. is the rela­tion­ship worth the poten­tial invest­ment., does the other per­son have to change, how about accep­tance for who they are. A really good post! Hon­estly, I have had to move away from some friends in the past because they wanted me to be some­thing I was not OR act dif­fer­ently & I could not do it. I had been the giver to much in my younger years & always want­ing to please every­one. As I got older, I had to re-evaluate how I worked that. It does not have to be all my way but I am who I am..

    Happy Anniver­sary! I hi 28 years next month!
    Jody — Fit at 53´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Willpower — Can We Strengthen it?My Profile

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  10. Jayson says:
    September 29, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Jody,

    Yup. I had to let go of old friends too, partly b/c they wanted me to stay the same “old me” and partly b/c I was unwill­ing to accept them as they were. It’s two ways in my world.
    Jayson´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Cre­at­ing a Fight to Get SpaceMy Profile

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  11. David Stevens says:
    September 29, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Jayson,
    Hope you are still going strong @ 30 years mar­riage (where I cur­rently sit).
    ” I’m ripen­ing.…” that got me, what a great term!
    Keep ripen­ing Jayson & may your Life together as a fam­ily be a great one.
    be good to your­self
    David
    David Stevens´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..The Imag­i­na­tion series (part 1)My Profile

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  12. Dolby says:
    September 29, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Jayson, I guess the word ‘sur­ren­der’ comes by, ‘go with the flow’, not always easy to do. Some­times I don’t feel like flow­ing, some­times I feel like being a brick wall. Life is about the polar oppo­sites in my world. That is what is so great about ‘Choice’ we get to choose. I am going on 34 years of marriage-can we talk! LOL Hell yeah! The best damn roller coaster ride I have ever been on. We are still crazy for each other after all these years. It is all about the ‘art of allow­ing’, allow­ing each other to con­tribute the sum parts of our whole selves to the rela­tion­ship, with­out hav­ing to make a major change, unless each wants to. The love of ‘self-love’ has been a bless­ing, for it allows you to give ‘love’. You can’t give away what you don’t have. Row Row Row your boat, gen­tly down the stream, mer­rily mer­rily mer­rily mer­rily, life is but a dream. I love it! Shanti

    Reply
  13. Andrew Walker says:
    September 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    Hm.. Inter­est­ing. Thanks for shar­ing this. I really agree with your tips there.
    Andrew Walker´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..BluScenes Coupon CodeMy Profile

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  14. Justin | Mazzastick says:
    September 30, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Hey Jayson,
    Being mar­ried and hav­ing chil­dren really does cause us to grow and change in pro­duc­tive and pos­i­tive ways. I love Autumn, it really is the most beau­ti­ful time of year in my opin­ion.
    Justin | Mazzastick´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Sta­bil­ity VS Inti­macy In RelationshipsMy Profile

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  15. Genie @ Healthy Living Now says:
    September 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Wow! I thor­oughly enjoyed this post. Con­grat­u­la­tions to you and yours Jayson. I will take the chal­lenge you have above and really do some eval­u­a­tion of my rela­tion­ships. Very inter­est­ing, infor­ma­tive, and encour­ag­ing post. Thanks for sharing!

    “If we all treat each other like we treat our­selves — what a won­der­ful place earth would be.“
    Genie @ Healthy Liv­ing Now´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Top 5 Rea­sons You Should ForgiveMy Profile

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  16. Jen says:
    September 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Hi Jason!
    Love that you took just that small bit of time with your wife and had so much connection.

    That is what really drew me in. Too often with my hus­band and three kids, we have a hard time find­ing that space in our sched­ules to connect.

    Yes­ter­day, he took me fly-fishing (of all things–he is a fish­ing guide). I had a list of things “to-d0” and was a lit­tle weary about going. But then I paused and decided I MUST take advan­tage of this time…all kids were at school, and the other things could wait.

    We had a great day of recon­nect­ing, laugh­ing, and being together after a sum­mer apart d/t work. But it also made me real­ize that it only takes a few min­utes of qual­ity time to “check-in” and make the effort.

    You paint a beau­ti­ful pic­ture of your day in the desert. Con­grat­u­la­tions, and Happy Autumn!
    In Har­mony,
    Jen
    Jen´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..This Week at my DenMy Profile

    Reply
  17. J.D. Meier says:
    September 30, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    > What am I har­vest­ing right now?
    I like the ques­tion and it’s a great reminder to invest in the tomor­row I want to have.
    J.D. Meier´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..The Cre­ative Prob­lem Solv­ing ProcessMy Profile

    Reply
  18. World of Finance says:
    October 1, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    Con­grats on your anniver­sary! Nice har­vest anal­ogy. Har­vest­ing takes work but is def­i­nitely worth­while :)
    World of Finance´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Are You A Spender or a Saver?My Profile

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  19. Megan Bord says:
    October 3, 2011 at 11:50 am

    What a beau­ti­ful trib­ute to love, your wife, and the broader scope of your life. I enjoyed read­ing this, and laughed when you wrote about ini­tially think­ing you wouldn’t get mar­ried and wouldn’t have kids. I can relate to the kids thing, for sure! (And still don’t have any, nor am I mar­ried.)
    Your words soft­ened my heart a bit today, and had me think­ing, “I hope ‘my guy’ feels that way about me some­day.” You and your wife sound like pretty incred­i­ble peo­ple to be so open to love. Through­out my adult life I’ve found many rea­sons (con­scious and sub­con­scious) to shut down to love, yet I crave it. I seek that inti­macy with another human being. Never sure I’ll achieve it or not, when I read sto­ries like yours I’m re-inspired.
    Thank you, friend.
    And happy anniversary!

    Reply

Trackbacks

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    October 5, 2011 at 4:02 am

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