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How To Help A Friend In Crisis

We think of the hol­i­days as a happy time of giv­ing to oth­ers. But some­times the hol­i­days are any­thing but happy for our friends and loved ones. Unfor­tu­nately, unex­pected and unde­sir­able events hap­pen even in the month of December.

Have you ever felt totally at a loss when it comes to sooth­ing or help­ing a friend in cri­sis? I remem­ber when the sur­geon came out after oper­at­ing on my mom and said she had found can­cer­ous lymph nodes (mean­ing the can­cer had spread from her breast, mean­ing that she had a much big­ger fight for her health ahead) and I felt the worst I had ever felt.

It took a lot of men­tal dis­ci­pline to focus on what I did want (for my mom to be healthy and happy) and not on what I didn’t want (which seemed to be star­ing me in the face), but I dis­cov­ered that it is pos­si­ble to make that shift. I read a great line on Danielle LaPorte’s blog, White Hot Truth:

“Some­one is in pro­found pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriv­ing like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.”

I really believe you can sit with some­one in their sor­row and pain and still see them as they will be (and, really, as they are right now deep down). I remem­ber tak­ing care of really sick kids when I was a nurs­ing stu­dent. At the time I cried to my nurs­ing instruc­tor, “How do you do it? It’s so hor­ri­ble.” and she said, “You just do it. Because you can soothe. Because you’ll help. Because that is enough.”

It soon struck me that if I could be fully present and focus on what would bring delight to the room (a sim­ple Cat’s Cra­dle from string was always a big hit), I helped. When I could get a child to smile and laugh, I soothed. More than any­thing else, though, I remem­ber how a parent’s face would light up when I asked for sto­ries of the child when she was well-and then pro­jected a time in the future when she would be doing all the things she loved again. There was grace, and yes, heal­ing, in those moments.

I have never believed that we help any­body by focus­ing solely on their sor­rows and lim­i­ta­tions. Of course, I have great com­pas­sion for the suf­fer­ing, and I’ll always try to soothe. (And you always know if you are sooth­ing or not by the reac­tion you get.) But as soon as I can, I try to let them know that I also see their best and shin­ing selves. And as it turns out, research sup­ports this approach.

A research study at Case West­ern Reserve Uni­ver­sity has doc­u­mented reac­tions in the human brain that show pos­i­tive vision­ing is much more likely to have a pos­i­tive effect than an inter­ac­tion in which the “helper” focuses on the prob­lem. The lat­ter is almost always received as a neg­a­tive judgment-even if it’s not meant to be.

That makes sense, doesn’t it? We know that peo­ple respond much bet­ter to a per­son they find inspir­ing and who shows com­pas­sion for them, rather than one who they per­ceive to be judg­ing them, but even our best inten­tions can be misperceived-and this study shows that even if that mis­per­cep­tion doesn’t hap­pen at a con­scious level, it does hap­pen on a cel­lu­lar level.

Anthony Jack, assis­tant pro­fes­sor of cog­ni­tive sci­ence, phi­los­o­phy and psy­chol­ogy, used func­tional mag­netic res­o­nance imag­ing (fMRI) to show neural reac­tions based on dif­fer­ent coach­ing styles. This research built on some­thing called Inten­tional Change The­ory, which holds that pos­i­tive and neg­a­tive emo­tional attrac­tors cre­ate psycho-physiological states that drive a per­son to think about change.

“We were really struck by one par­tic­u­lar find­ing in the visual cor­tex, where we saw a lot more activ­ity in the more pos­i­tive con­di­tion than in the more neg­a­tive con­di­tion,” Jack explained. In other words, think­ing about pos­i­tive change pro­duced a lot more activ­ity in the parts of the brain asso­ci­ated with imag­i­na­tion, parts that influ­ence basic visual pro­cess­ing and emo­tion. Jack says the fMRI images bear the neural sig­na­ture of vision­ing, a crit­i­cal process for moti­vat­ing learn­ing and behav­ioral change.

The bot­tom line? Spend­ing time talk­ing about a person’s desired per­sonal vision, even if the per­son is in cri­sis, will turn on the parts of the brain that are asso­ci­ated with openness-to solu­tions, to help-and bet­ter func­tion­ing. On the other hand, when peo­ple choose to focus on what isn’t going well, it actu­ally closes down future, sus­tain­able change, and stirs the sort of emo­tions that lead a per­son to turn away from help. Con­sider that the next time you focus on the cri­sis rather than the solution!

Every­one has to look a cri­sis in the face and take it on. I’m a strong believer in learn­ing from my mis­takes, and like Maya Angelou, I truly believe that when you know bet­ter you do bet­ter. But when you do find your­self stand­ing with some­one in a cri­sis, focus on what’s hap­pen­ing with faith that change is pos­si­ble. Focus on what the per­son wants, rather than what they don’t want. Because doing so makes all the dif­fer­ence in whether you will help them make pos­i­tive, deci­sive change in the future.

Have you ever helped any­one define their per­sonal vision in a time of cri­sis? How did you do it?

by Stacey Curnow

Stacey is a nurse-midwife and a men­tor who helps you give birth to your BIG dreams. To find your pur­pose and pas­sion, check out her FREE eBook, The Pur­pose and Pas­sion Guide­book.
Stacey Curnow
View all posts by Stacey Curnow
Filed Under: Jungle Writers, Personal Growth and Spirituality

Comments

  1. Jennifer Richardson says:
    December 10, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Hope is a fas­ci­nat­ing thing and this won­der­ful per­spec­tive
    stirs it strong in me
    at at time
    when I so SO needed it.…..so much thanks for that!!!!
    Thor­oughly inspired and grate­ful,
    Jennifer

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 10, 2011 at 9:03 am

      Hi Jen­nifer!

      Thanks so much for your kind note! I’m so glad to know that you res­onated with this post and that it came at just the right time!!

      Here’s to HOPE — the big, sparkly wings to lift up you and the ones you love!!

      xx

      Reply
  2. Tess The Bold Life says:
    December 10, 2011 at 7:39 am

    This is the most pow­er­ful thing to do and I learned it from a wise men­tor and friend when I was 35 and my old­est daugh­ter moved in with her boyfriend when she was a junior in high school. She was in so much pain and I couldn’t help her. Then my friend said, “See her with a smile on her face each time you think of her.” It’s exactly what I did sev­eral times a day. Before going to bed I would see that smile and tell her I loved her. She’s still mar­ried to Kevin and my grand­daugh­ter is grad­u­at­ing from high school in June. Isn’t life grand?

    We have no busi­ness try­ing to fix things or believ­ing we have the answers or solu­tions for oth­ers. As hard as that is for par­ents to know and do. Like Byron Katie says, “How can I know what is right for my chil­dren when I don’t know what is right for myself most of the time?“
    Tess The Bold Life´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Pas­sion and Patience vs Doubt and FearMy Profile

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 10, 2011 at 9:11 am

      Hi Tess!

      Thanks so much for shar­ing the VERY grand story of your daugh­ter and the pos­i­tive out­come of what had felt like a very chal­leng­ing cir­cum­stance. It’s a pow­er­ful tes­ta­ment to what hap­pens when you focus on what you *do* want rather than what you don’t want.

      How lovely and extra­or­di­nary that you shared some of Byron Katie’s wis­dom. I LOVE her! She has taught me that stress is an alarm that wakes me up from believ­ing that what­ever I’m think­ing is bad is true. Real­ity is always such a per­fect teacher.

      Yes, life is, indeed, very grand!

      Thanks again for your thought­ful and thought-provoking com­ment!
      Stacey´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Mile­posts in the Dis­tance – Writ­ing the Future in Present TenseMy Profile

      Reply
  3. suzen says:
    December 11, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Hi Stacey! That was won­der­ful!!! Thanks so much for shar­ing this! So much heal­ing is done with our thoughts. How much bet­ter to pic­ture our­selves thriv­ing than lan­guish­ing. I believe, as do you, that com­pas­sion is not nec­es­sar­ily steep­ing your­self in the issue at hand, but rather show­ing some light on bet­ter days in what­ever way you can, even by dis­trac­tions in the case of chil­dren.
    Hugs
    Susan
    p.s. If I’m ever ill I hope I have some­one like you for a nurse! :)
    suzen´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Migraines? A New Approach With­out DrugsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 12, 2011 at 6:56 am

      Hi Susan!

      Thanks SO much for you kind note! It looks like you like excla­ma­tion points as much a s I do!!

      It’s so won­der­ful to con­nect with Lance’s read­ers and see that we res­onate with same ideas! I’m so glad I know where I can go when I need to be seen in the best pos­si­ble light. :-)

      Thanks again, Susan!
      Stacey´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..How to be “Not Busy”My Profile

      Reply
  4. Galen Pearl says:
    December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    There is much wis­dom in this arti­cle, but what struck me the most was how won­der­ful nurses are! I have been present for oth­ers in the hos­pi­tal twice in recent months, and both times I mar­veled at the power nurses had to soothe and empower those in their care. The nurses even took the time to attend to what­ever needs I had to make my time there more com­fort­able. The doc­tors were great, but the nurses were truly awesome.

    But back to your mes­sage, we all have the oppor­tu­nity to make a dif­fer­ence like that in people’s lives by focus­ing through the prob­lem to the perfection.

    Thanks for all you do to help peo­ple feel bet­ter.
    Galen Pearl´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..The Good Old DaysMy Profile

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 13, 2011 at 6:34 am

      Hi Galen!

      Thanks so much for your kind response! I’m delighted that you’ve had such pos­i­tive expe­ri­ences with nurses!

      Your take-away mes­sage from my post is so valu­able: We all have the oppor­tu­nity to make a dif­fer­ence. And the way you described “focus­ing through the prob­lem to the per­fec­tion” is so lovely!

      Reply
  5. Megan Bord says:
    December 12, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Stacey, I was imme­di­ately drawn by the title of this post because, of late, I’ve had many friends in cri­sis and at times I’ve felt at a loss for words. Worse yet, there’s part of me that wants to shut down or turn away from those in cri­sis … until they get bet­ter on their own! Oh my gosh, try­ing to push the guilt away on that par­tic­u­lar admis­sion is tough, but therein lies human transparency.

    I appre­ci­ated what you wrote in this post, espe­cially the “sci­ence” behind focus­ing on a brighter future with and for those who are cur­rently suf­fer­ing. Meta­physics is ter­rific, but some­times my ratio­nal brain needs a lit­tle sci­ence (even though I don’t like admit­ting that!).

    I’ve read a few books by Thich Nhat Hanh, who also talks about how to help those in cri­sis. He describes a process that includes first open­ing up a space for another person’s suf­fer­ing to exist with­out judg­ment. In other words, let the per­son suf­fer­ing know that they can feel safe dis­clos­ing what’s hap­pen­ing, as authen­ti­cally as it’s hap­pen­ing for them. I think once that space is estab­lished, then both suf­ferer and soother can decide when it’s time to move around in that space, look­ing at future possibilities.

    I like the idea of com­bin­ing his approach and yours: both hold­ing the present moment ten­derly, while also gen­tly lift­ing our eyes toward the sun (a brighter future).

    Thanks for cap­tur­ing my atten­tion and help­ing me give greater thought to some­thing I’ve strug­gled with recently.

    Wish­ing you the very best,
    Megan

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 13, 2011 at 6:43 am

      Hi Megan!

      Thanks SO much for your can­did and thought­ful reply. I really appre­ci­ate that you shared how dif­fi­cult it is to sup­port some­one through a cri­sis because it is VERY chal­leng­ing to be that hon­est and we have ALL been there!

      I am a huge fan of Thich Nhat Hahn and I’m so glad that you bring up his trans­for­ma­tive work here. I com­pletely agree that his prac­tice is a vital part of offer­ing help.

      Every­one really does need to feel seen and heard exactly where they are before any­thing else.

      Thanks again for your thought­ful, can­did and thought-provoking reply!!

      Reply
  6. Aileen | Kaizen Vision says:
    December 13, 2011 at 12:13 am

    “spend­ing time talk­ing about a person’s desired per­sonal vision, even if the per­son is in cri­sis, will turn on the parts of the brain that are asso­ci­ated with openness-to solu­tions, to help-and bet­ter func­tion­ing. On the other hand, when peo­ple choose to focus on what isn’t going well, it actu­ally closes down future, sus­tain­able change, and stirs the sort of emo­tions that lead a per­son to turn away from help. ” What more rea­son do we need to cease the worry that hap­pens when we’re want­ing the best for some­one? — That’s all we need to know — now if I could just live it 24/7
    The men­tal dis­ci­pline isn’t easy, but it’s worth the pur­suit and the prac­tice!
    Aileen | Kaizen Vision´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Lis­ten, Your Story Has Secrets and Wis­dom to ShareMy Profile

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 13, 2011 at 6:49 am

      Hi Aileen!

      Thanks so much for let­ting me know the quote that res­onate most for you! Love that!

      And I com­pletely agree — I don’t want any­one to think that it’s easy to do what I sug­gest. Like you said, it is a prac­tice — that does become eas­ier with time. The thing is, too, that it may never be *easy*, but it is worth­while to try and what I’ve found is that it always just *feels* bet­ter after I’ve focused on what I want rather than what I don’t want.

      Thanks again for your kind com­ment! Lance has the best community!!

      Reply
  7. Cathy | Treatment Talk says:
    December 13, 2011 at 12:22 am

    Hi Stacey,

    The hol­i­days do bring up pain for many peo­ple. I recently heard some­one who has has her share of pain, say that we should look for joy where ever we can dur­ing the hol­i­day sea­son. Some­times the joy might not be as often, but we still can appre­ci­ate it when we find it.

    I love this quote, “Some­one is in pro­found pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriv­ing like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.” — very true.
    Cathy | Treat­ment Talk´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..What Every­one Ought to Know About Pre­scrip­tion Drug AbuseMy Profile

    Reply
    • Stacey says:
      December 13, 2011 at 6:54 am

      Hi Cathy!

      Thanks so much for your kind com­ment! I’m espe­cially glad to hear your thoughts since you work so closely with peo­ple in crisis.

      Your reminder is such a valu­able one! Appre­ci­at­ing what we have truly unlocks the full­ness of life. Zorba the Greek called it the “full cat­a­stro­phe”. :-)

      Thanks again and take won­der­ful care!

      Reply
  8. Sandra / Always Well Within says:
    December 13, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Stacey,

    This was so enlight­en­ing! Thank you so much. I will def­i­nitely be tak­ing your advice to heart. Much love to you.
    San­dra / Always Well Within´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..One Pow­er­ful Word 2012: A Sim­ple Approach to New Year’s ResolutionsMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Jeffrey Willius says:
    December 14, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Great post, Stacey! I’ve expe­ri­enced the power of pres­ence, both as giver and recip­i­ent. Your insight about focus­ing on the vision, the hope, is really helpful.

    Reply
  10. S says:
    December 20, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Wow — great post.

    I think I’m more in the process of being with friends (or in my case a fam­ily mem­ber) in cri­sis and this was really good to read and to think about.

    Thanks!

    Reply

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