The 4 Principles of Receiving

Giv­ing is cer­tainly an impor­tant part of life. But so is receiv­ing. After all, these two always go together: when one per­son gives, another one receives. And many times you’ll be at the receiv­ing end of a transaction.

I believe that it’s just as sig­nif­i­cant to be a good receiver in life as it is to be a good giver. Unfor­tu­nately, many peo­ple have a prob­lem with receiv­ing. And accord­ing to my obser­va­tions, peo­ple who are good and abun­dant givers are par­tic­u­larly bad receivers. They’ve learned how to give, but not how to receive.

This is why, draw­ing from my expe­ri­ence as a con­fi­dence and com­mu­ni­ca­tion coach, I want to share with you what I deem as the most impor­tant 4 prin­ci­ples of receiv­ing. Put them into prac­tice when oth­ers offer you some­thing, and you’ll embody a good receiver.

1. Don’t Refuse What You Are Given

Many peo­ple have this ten­dency to refuse what it is given to them, in an attempt to be polite and not bur­den the other per­son. Some eti­quette books actu­ally rec­om­mend refus­ing to accept what you’re given, at least initially.

I dis­agree with this approach. Assum­ing that the other per­son offers you some­thing because they gen­uinely want you to have it, not because they think they have the oblig­a­tion to offer it, I think you should take it. And if they offer it out of a sense of oblig­a­tion, that’s really their prob­lem, not yours.

There are small excep­tions, like if let’s say a per­son offers you a cigar and you don’t smoke, you can politely refuse it and briefly explain why. But these are the excep­tions, not the rule.

Giv­ing is a pos­i­tive social act, and the most pos­i­tive way to react to it is receiv­ing. If the other per­son wants you to have some­thing, take it. Show you can receive openly.

2. Always Show Gratitude

Some­times we get so used to some forms of receiv­ing from some per­sons in our life that we end up tak­ing it for granted. Thus, we no longer feel grat­i­tude for what we obtain and we no longer express it.

Like the per­son who gets so used to their spouse cook­ing a deli­cious meal for them each day, even though they don’t really have to, that they no longer pay atten­tion to it or give thanks. The whole process of giv­ing and receiv­ing becomes cold, mechanic and impersonal.

Hope­fully, the other per­son is not offer­ing you some­thing just because they want you to appre­ci­ate them. They do it because it brings them intrin­sic enjoy­ment. Nev­er­the­less, show­ing a bit of grat­i­tude is easy for you to do and I guar­an­tee you that it’s highly reward­ing to them.

Even a sim­ple: “Thanks! This is great” will go a long way. So, try to not take receiv­ing for granted. Try to always notice it, have appre­ci­a­tion for it and express your appreciation.

3. Talk about the Way What You Received Helps You

It’s excel­lent if the other per­son under­stands exactly what the value of what they give you is for you. Because this can help them tweak what and how they give you so it’s as valu­able as pos­si­ble for you. After all, that’s what they want, right?

Some­one may give you a bunch of oranges, which they deem you’re gonna eat and that’s their main worth for you. But what you actu­ally like about them is that they have a highly fla­vored peel, which you use when you bake a cake.

Let them know that. Talk about the pre­cise ben­e­fit you obtain. In the future they may choose to give you the oranges with the thick­est peel, which are the most use­ful to you. You get more value, they pro­vide more value. They know that and it brings them more joy; every­body wins.

4. Don’t Feel Indebted For Receiving

Often, we feel that if some­one gives us some­thing, we now owe them and we have to return the favor. This is why we may some­times refuse to take what we have been offered: we don’t want to feel indebted.

But this is not how giv­ing works. Sure, some­times when some­one gives you some­thing, there is this implicit under­stand­ing that you’ll return the favor. Some­times this under­stand­ing is actu­ally explicit. The other per­son will tell you: “I’ll do this for you if you do this for me”.

But many times, no such impli­ca­tion exists. You’re deal­ing with uncon­di­tional giv­ing, out of pure kind­ness, fond­ness or empa­thy. In this case, the plea­sure of giv­ing is the reward for the other person.

It’s impor­tant to rec­og­nize this form of giv­ing and embrace it whole­heart­edly, with­out feel­ing indebted. In fact I advise to assume in gen­eral when some­one gives you some­thing that they’re doing it with­out expect­ing some­thing in return.

If they do expect some­thing in return, it’s their job to con­vey that one way or another. If they don’t, con­sider it self­less giv­ing. Just express grat­i­tude ver­bally and that’s it. Don’t let giv­ing become a way for oth­ers to shackle you. It’s their choice to give, and your right to not feel beholden.

Receiv­ing prop­erly is not as easy as it may ini­tially appear. Many of us have all sorts of emo­tional bar­ri­ers or a lack of under­stand­ing of how social trans­ac­tions work that pre­vents us from being good receivers.

The good news is that you can over­come these emo­tional bar­ri­ers, you can acquire a bet­ter under­stand­ing of social trans­ac­tions, and you can learn how to be a good receiver. Apply­ing the 4 prin­ci­ples I dis­cussed is an excel­lent start, and per­haps even more than that.

Eduard Ezeanu assists indi­vid­u­als who are socially inept or shy in learn­ing how to talk to peo­ple and build ful­fill­ing rela­tion­ships with oth­ers. He also writes on his blog, Peo­ple Skills Decoded.

If you have any ques­tions regard­ing being a good receiver, just ask them in the com­ments sec­tion and he’ll be happy to reply to them.

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