If you really want to deepen and grow your relationship life, take a look at the person in the mirror, pour fertilizer on yourself, and grow.
That’s right. Changing yourself is the fast track to relational depth.
Of course, I’m not talking about getting a new wardrobe or haircut. I’m talking about changing your internal world, the part that no one can see.
If I want more depth out there, I have to go deeper in here.
When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and doing a great job of hiding it. I dated a lot of women, but felt unsatisfied in every relationship. I wanted something more yet I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that I wanted. Looking back, I was longing for true love, a deep intimate relationship where I felt met, seen, and alive.
Because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, let alone know what it was that I wanted, I blamed each of the women I dated and made my dissatisfaction their fault. I genuinely believed that I would feel better if only “she” would be different.
So, with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point.
My pain was so substantial and my desire for different results was so strong that I was ready to finally ask, “What if I’m the problem?” After all, I was the one common denominator in every relationship I had.
This is when everything shifted.
Once I asked the above question I could then make this statement: "I am willing to do whatever it takes to get different results."
The problem was no longer “out there.” It was “in here” and that I had the power to do something about. Damn!
This was a huge turning point in my life, which catapulted me on to a spiritual path that continues today.
Once I had the humility to ask the question “what if I’m the problem?” my relationship life began to shift slowly.
As I changed, I attracted new people. People that wanted to be authentic and real. People who were willing to talk about the hard stuff in life and not hide it. People willing to go to therapy and ask for help when they were stuck in the weeds. People willing to lead with their vulnerability. Wow. I began to meet women and men that could go deeper in relationship because I was going deeper in myself. All of the sudden, my relationships began to nourish me.
It took serious pain, serious longing, and a simple question directed inward, to change my relationship life.
And today, every time I find myself wanting to change my partner, I slow down and take a look at the man in the mirror.
Because change starts with me.