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The Most Effective Way to Deepen Your Relationships

If you really want to deepen and grow your rela­tion­ship life, take a look at the per­son in the mir­ror, pour fer­til­izer on your­self, and grow.

That’s right. Chang­ing your­self is the fast track to rela­tional depth.

Of course, I’m not talk­ing about get­ting a new wardrobe or hair­cut. I’m talk­ing about chang­ing your inter­nal world, the part that no one can see.

If I want more depth out there, I have to go deeper in here.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and doing a great job of hid­ing it. I dated a lot of women, but felt unsat­is­fied in every rela­tion­ship. I wanted some­thing more yet I couldn’t put my fin­ger on what it was that I wanted. Look­ing back, I was long­ing for true love, a deep inti­mate rela­tion­ship where I felt met, seen, and alive.

Because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, let alone know what it was that I wanted, I blamed each of the women I dated and made my dis­sat­is­fac­tion their fault. I gen­uinely believed that I would feel bet­ter if only “she” would be different. 

So, with ten or more years of lim­ited results and unful­filled rela­tion­ships, I hit a tip­ping point.

My pain was so sub­stan­tial and my desire for dif­fer­ent results was so strong that I was ready to finally ask, “What if I’m the prob­lem?” After all, I was the one com­mon denom­i­na­tor in every rela­tion­ship I had.

This is when every­thing shifted.

Once I asked the above ques­tion I could then make this state­ment:  “I am will­ing to do what­ever it takes to get dif­fer­ent results.”

The prob­lem was no longer “out there.” It was “in here” and that I had the power to do some­thing about. Damn!

This was a huge turn­ing point in my life, which cat­a­pulted me on to a spir­i­tual path that con­tin­ues today.

Once I had the humil­ity to ask the ques­tion “what if I’m the prob­lem?” my rela­tion­ship life began to shift slowly.

As I changed, I attracted new peo­ple. Peo­ple that wanted to be authen­tic and real. Peo­ple who were will­ing to talk about the hard stuff in life and not hide it. Peo­ple will­ing to go to ther­apy and ask for help when they were stuck in the weeds. Peo­ple will­ing to lead with their vul­ner­a­bil­ity. Wow. I began to meet women and men that could go deeper in rela­tion­ship because I was going deeper in myself.  All of the sud­den, my rela­tion­ships began to nour­ish me.

It took seri­ous pain, seri­ous long­ing, and a sim­ple ques­tion directed inward, to change my rela­tion­ship life.

And today, every time I find myself want­ing to change my part­ner, I slow down and take a look at the man in the mirror.

Because change starts with me.

by Jayson Gad­dis

Jayson Gad­dis, MA, LPC, CGT is a rela­tion­ship psy­chother­a­pist devoted to help­ing peo­ple awaken through rela­tion­ship and inti­macy. He’s call­ing in a new par­a­digm of con­nec­tion, deep rela­tion­ship, and fam­ily. Jayson is a hus­band and part-time stay-at-home Dad get­ting schooled by his two kids.
Jayson Gaddis
View all posts by Jayson Gad­dis
Filed Under: Jungle Writers, Relationships

Comments

  1. Noel says:
    October 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

    This almost brought me to tears Jayson. I don’t really know why. I just felt the pain as you did, the con­fu­sion and I’m touched that you are brave enough to face the ‘prob­lem’ and make the change. Just as the old say­ing “you’ve to love your­self first before lov­ing oth­ers”, now we gotta look into our­selves first and change before any­thing else. Thanks so much.
    Noël´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Moti­va­tional Quotes For Women To Move OnMy Profile

    Reply
  2. Jannie Funster says:
    October 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Very reveal­ing. Thanks for shar­ing, Jayson.

    Yep — us in the mir­ror. It’s all inside. We can grum­ble and com­plain, or real­ize we are the key to our own hap­pi­ness. We can sit and worry, or make the switch to either take action to change things, or accept what is.

    Awe­some post!

    And Jayson, please give my regards to that Lance guy I see flit­ting around here from time to time. :)

    xoxo to all.
    Jan­nie Funster´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..To Dad On His 75th Birth­day — in 55 words, or so….My Profile

    Reply
  3. Evan says:
    October 29, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    I’d add putting time in to listening

    Reply
  4. Harleena Singh@Freelance Writer says:
    October 30, 2011 at 1:54 am

    Hi Jayson,

    Touch­ing post!

    I think if we try to change peo­ple or the world around us, it does leave us more frus­trated and unhappy in the long run. How­ever, chang­ing our own selves, or adapt­ing the changes around us is what works best for every­one. It is indeed eas­ier said than done– but it is surely the only thing that is going to work in the end and give you peace of mind.

    Thanks for shar­ing :)
    Harleena Singh@Freelance Writer´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..Throw­ing a Teen Party for HalloweenMy Profile

    Reply
  5. Justin | Mazzastick says:
    October 30, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Great points Jayson. We all go through the grow­ing pains of rela­tion­ships. Its how we learn what we do and don’t want in our­selves and our part­ner. At least you had the pres­ence of mind to not blame your part­ner and instead look into the mir­ror first.

    Reply
    • Jayson says:
      October 30, 2011 at 9:53 pm

      Ha ha. did I say I didn’t blame my part­ner first? I think I blamed and blamed for years and years, then woke up out of that to see the man in the mir­ror was kid­ding him­self with that approach. I can still slip into blame, and now that is my clue to look deeper.

      It’s amaz­ing to me how much we tol­er­ate oth­ers blam­ing. Sadly, it’s part of our cul­ture and even encouraged.

      Reply
  6. Meghashyam Chirravoori says:
    October 30, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    I loved the fact that you sum­ma­rized some­thing so impor­tant in just a few words. It is so true that most of the time we keep want­ing other peo­ple to change.…We never even stop to thing — can I change? Thank you indeed..for at least turn­ing my own atten­tion inwards for some moments at least.

    Reply
  7. Cathy | Treatment Talk says:
    October 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Jayson,

    I really enjoyed your post, and com­pletely agree with your point. They way to have deeper rela­tion­ships is look­ing at our­selves first. I once heard Dr. Phil say when you are hav­ing issues with your sig­nif­i­cant other, that you should try harder to be a bet­ter part­ner. Rela­tion­ships can be chal­leng­ing, but look­ing in the mir­ror is a good place to start. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Jayson says:
      October 30, 2011 at 9:48 pm

      Cathy, yes. How­ever, I’m not a huge fan of Dr Phil. “try­ing harder” can back­fire esp if one is try­ing to be some­thing other than what they are.

      Reply
  8. Daniel Wood says:
    October 31, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Inspi­ra­tional post Jayson. I am totally agree with Harleena. The best way to be happy and sat­is­fied is to make adjust­ment in your­self. But the prob­lem with us is:
    We lis­ten half, under­stand a quar­ter, think zero and react double.

    I truly believe in “You get what you deserve”. So first we should perked up our­self then should expect from others.

    Reply
  9. Jimmy/Life Architects says:
    October 31, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Hi Jayson,

    I love that you have iden­ti­fied that you were the com­mon denom­i­na­tor in all your prob­lems. It takes guts and for­tune to awaken to that. Some peo­ple spend their whole lives look­ing out­wards. We who are enlight­ened are truly blessed.

    What intrigues me about inward change is that once we are able to do that, our part­ners will usu­ally notice and fol­low suit. Great post
    Jimmy/Life Architects´s Last Fab­u­lous Post ..What Has Jimmy Got to Say About Blog­ging for Per­sonal Development?My Profile

    Reply
  10. Nick Sotos says:
    November 1, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Jayson I loved your post. Thank you for shar­ing your per­sonal story. What I liked the most is the impor­tance of self­less­ness in every rela­tion­ship. I like this point and I admire your principles.

    Reply
  11. Jen says:
    November 2, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Jayson,
    Thank you for shar­ing so openly! I once did a woman’s work­shop about self-reflection and change.

    I had them all look in the mir­ror as I played Michael Jack­sons song “Man in the Mir­ror.“
    He was an eccen­tric man, but boy did he write good lyrics! This one inparticular.….

    I know this was a good reminder for me today. So often I want to “pass the buck” to blame things on oth­ers when I really need to look inward. It cer­tainly is a con­tin­u­ing journey.

    Thank you!
    In Har­mony,
    Jen

    Reply
  12. Debbie @ Happy Maker says:
    November 2, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Grest psot Jayson and thank you for shar­ing. I do agree when we have a prob­lem in a rela­tion­ship we need to look at our­selves first.

    I have gone through a divorce and it was not all my ex’s fault. it takes two to cre­ate a prob­lem in a rela­tion­ship and the key is to fig­ure out what part of the prob­lem you are.

    For myself I made the wrong choice. I was one of those that thought if I loved him enough, he would be dif­fer­ent. All he needed was some­one to really love him. What I didn’t real­ize that he was who he wanted to be.

    Thanks again for shar­ing, it is won­der­ful get­ting to know new peo­ple.
    Bless­ing to you.

    Reply
  13. Angela Yount says:
    November 4, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    To change every­thing, chang­ing our­selves is the best part we can do. No one can do it, except through your­self. I do agree when we have a prob­lem in a rela­tion­ship we need to look at our­selves first.

    Reply

Trackbacks

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    October 31, 2011 at 4:02 am

    […] From Jayson Gad­dis at Jun­gle of Life: The Most Effec­tive Way to Deepen Your Relationships […]

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  2. Why Most Men Resist Couples Counseling | The Practice of Love says:
    November 4, 2011 at 8:46 am

    […] If he doesn’t want to come in and try­ing to change him doesn’t work, keep being the inspir­ing woman that you are and work on yourself. […]

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